when I was ten years old, my dad passed away and I didn't know hoe to cope. I was a child and nobody helped me to understand the grief I was feeling. he had some struggles before he died and three weeks before he died, I tried it for the first time. I had cut myself for the first time. how could I do that to that ten year old body? I vowed to never do it again because it was more trouble than it was worth. then three weeks later when my dad died, I did it again. worse, stronger, deeper. ten. years. old. I still struggle with it 4 years later and don't want to continue. I don't want my nieces and nephews to have to bury their favorite person in the world because if my dad deciding to take too much medicine... what do I do?

i really dislike whenever my parents compare me to my other siblings. it’s always “try harder. they get much better grades than you and what do you do? stay on your phone all day.” the thing is, no matter how much i tell them that i actually try hard and study every night, they never believe me. even my own siblings, they see my studying in my room but end up ganging on me with my parents. it’s like my parents don’t even have faith and belief in their daughter anymore. it’s like my own siblings don’t see me as their sister anymore. i really do try my best when it comes to studying. i really do. no matter how hard it is, i take my time out and study, but my family never seems to understand or agree with what i do. even my friends betray me. believe it or not, i have no friends. no one even checks up on me anymore and life is so boring now. i’ve never felt so lonely and so… upset. i cry every night knowing no one cares about me. there are times where i just wanna end it. what’s the point of being alive if no one even cares? no one ever supports me anymore. the smile of me 5 years ago is not the smile i have right now. all i get is blamed at, body shamed at and yelled at.

• August 6, 2023