When I was little I was being sexually abused by my grandpa me and my siblings would go over to spend the night with my grandparents because they were fun and we loved spending time with them they were like my second parents to me but that was before it started happening.My oldest sister would go with us she’s 6 years older than me but when she stopped going I was about 6 or so and that’s when it started, the abuse went on for a couple of years and two years after it had stopped I was 13 and I was ready to tell my parents and they didn’t believe me I have 3 siblings and mostly all of them questioned if I was telling the truth later on I found out my oldest sister had the same thing happen to her and that’s why she stopped going but she never told anyone that everyone just thought I made it up or something I remember a time I was arguing with my mother about what had happened to me and she screamed at me that what did I want to do about it that it was too late that I should’ve told them when it was happening. Keep in mind my grandpa isn’t dead and they still all talk to him like if it’s nothing til this day. I remember having UTIs and no one noticed I didn’t know that was what I had until I got older. I don’t blame what happened to me for my wrong decisions but I think it really messed me up as I got older I got a lot of anger towards people in my family and I did really messed up things I’d hit my siblings I’d threaten to kill them or kill myself i ran away so many times I wanted to escape from that place at some point my sister’s bd/bf forced himself on me (mind you I was a teenager and he was 6 years older than me)I kept saying no I remember saying no I’m not doing this he proceeded to do things idk why I couldn’t stop it it felt unreal like it wasn’t happening like it was a bad dream. he wanted to use me for that one night but I became obsessive I couldn’t accept being used that way again so I stayed with him i forced a relationship with him and now I don’t have my family and I was forced to live with him and I accepted it but now being 23 years old i see things differently I wish I never hurt my sister I wish I had them back nothing that happened to me justifies me staying with her man but sometimes i think to myself that they never protected me when I was innocent when I went for them for help they turned their back on me so why do I miss them is it because I know I messed up too? I feel like my whole life has been so fucked up and I just keep digging myself deeper because I feel like I don’t deserve better even if I try and I don’t know what to do now I think I’ve just accepted where I’m at now.