When I was five I was repeatedly r**ed by my moms boyfriend. At the time I didn’t know anything was wrong with what we were doing. He’d show me p**n, and say it’s movies my mom liked so I could watch it. So when the SA stopped after my mom found out and we moved, the feeling “down there” I had felt I thought was normal. I wanted it again because pleasure at such a young age felt right. I had a need for it at that point. Imagine a five year old girl masturbating because she thinks that’s what’s right for her age. I’ve masturbated, without my parents knowing(again he made me keep my SA a secret so I knew this would have to be a secret too) throughout elementary school, and middle school. I didn’t know it was wrong till Freshman year when I got exposed to stronger words (I was sheltered after we moved) . Even then, it was useless trying to stop. I was a teenager and it became a routine for me. Im 20 and I can’t go one day without it. It’s affected me negatively in so much ways, but I can’t break it. I’ve never had sex since my SA experience because I’m afraid to see disgust in my future partners face. My mental health has degraded, this has affected my relationships(all types), and it’s drained me so many times. How do I break from this cycle?

I been thinking real hard about even relaying these awful things about the person that I have admired the most, the person I have respected and revered my whole life but that now, has completely backstabbed me in the worst way possible. A few years ago, a scandal broke in my political family involving my mother. As you can imagine, it nearly broke my marriage and tore my husband’s family apart. My sister in law found my father in law and my mom talking on social media. The worst part of it, when I was confronted, I was accused of knowing about the whole affair and made it looked like I was an accomplice to the whole ordeal. When I had absolutely no clue to such a disgusting mess. I don’t know what neither of them were trying to accomplish and now, I’m the black sheep of the family. No one talks to me. While my father in law is still loved and honored. My mother the home wrecker and I pay the sins of her ordeals. She never once has said I’m sorry. Never! In her head, I’m better off without that side of the family. But it’s not about that; why did she do this to me? Why my father in law? Among so many men? Why him! I guess I’m just looking for an explanation and I know I will never get it from her. Because she just cannot accept she did anything wrong. I wish I could get her version because as of now, I only know everyone else’s but her’s. I always thought I didn’t need to hear her side because it’s not my place to question her, but I have kids who now have to suffer for her sins as well. I don’t think it’s fair to them either. I guess the damage is done as well and the past is the past. I won’t get nothing accomplished but I just want an acknowledgment from her part that she messed up.

• August 12, 2023