when i was 8 my dad left, he moved right around the corner and lived there for about a year, he only saw me once (when my mum forced him to). eventually my mum and dad had a talk and decided for him to move back in cause things will be better and it will be better for me and my 3 siblings (i’m the second youngest). so he moved back in and things were perfectly normal for about 1-2 months, after that, things went back to shit. he never fought with me, ever, he was to scared about me disliking him, (we were always the closest in my family, i was never that close with my mum). one time when my mum was away for a 3 week trip (i was maybe 11-12) dad and i got into a massive argument about me not being alone to watch a tv and that i should be asking him if i can watch it and not my older brother. it was the most horrible experience, shouting, hitting, screaming, everything. i called him immature, a shitty dad, and all the most hurtful things i could think of, i don’t even know why it escalated so much, but it did. over the years after that there was many for fights like these all varying in how extreme they were, i forget a lot of them but i will never forget that first major fight. skipping a few years, i’m now 16, i live in a different state, he doesn’t ever call, and i hate myself. he won’t have anyone left soon cause he just kicked out my older brother, my other brother is in a different state and my other sister lives with me. i’m terrified he will spiral into a deeper depression then he already is and kill himself. i don’t know anymore.

unfortunately i am in love with one of my friends. i met this person last october, which means we have known each other for about 5-6 months. in that span of time, i found myself literally falling in love. i don't know why. i feel the need to just be around him or something like that. and he's my friend, we go to the same school and we're in the same friend group; it's inevitable we see each other and talk to each other every day. we do call each other outside of school, but never alone with just each other. there will be times where we are the only ones in a call and we would be waiting for other people to get on and join. in the time that we wait, sometimes there are long intervals of silence. it's not awkward, i don't think. he might be playing a game, and i'll be on a game myself or listening to music. it's nice silence, i know they're there, and he knows i'm there. i want to think that's how it is. we both know we are there. this person has made me question myself so damn much. my emotions and feelings. it's confusing and frustrating. he makes my stomach and head feel fuzzy when i see them or think about them. it's so foreign, despite being a few relationships prior to this situation. he makes me feel literal butterflies. there was one night where he kept me up til midnight talking about his problems in life. (i was okay with hearing about it.) that included his relationships. he ended up talking about this girl he really liked and she also went to our school. apparently they used to like each other and i found what he described their relationship to be very sweet and wholesome. he wrote a song about her! when he told me that it didn't make me upset. but when he told me about how she ended up breaking his heart, recently too, that made me quite upset. the girl ended up ghosting him basically and the next time he saw her she was holding hands with some guy. he was mad and sad, that's what he told me. a part of me just wanted to comfort him and tell him whatever i thought would fit the conversation, even though im not really good at giving advice. another part of me felt selfish, and i ACTUALLY thought "i would never do that." as of now, i'm still unable to find a word that describes exactly what i feel; admiration? love? i don't know. and to be honest, i'm scared to know. if everything does work out and we end up... dating, i want to be better for him. it's odd to say that. it feels weird saying something so... i don't know. he makes me feel so many things i can't describe. it makes my head fuzzy. i've only told one other person about this and they told me to just find out more and get closer to him. but the thing is, i'm too scared to. in too scared of confrontation and face-to-face serious conversations related to this. he might want to not talk to me anymore. help.

• July 21, 2023