When I was 16 I had just broke up with my boyfriend. We had been dating for 7 months and he was extremely emotionally abusive and at types threatened me physically. I was in love with him, and he was the only person who I felt like loved me even though the relationship was toxic. When we broke up I started dating a really shy quiet guy. He would never kiss me first, and was not very talkative he never made any moves and he was very unstable mentally. It was exhausting, and I constantly felt like I wasn’t good enough to make him happy. One day I got a request on instagram for my ex to dm me so I accepted it hesitantly. The immediate response was trying to hook up with me and we did. I cheated on this shy quiet boy who has done nothing to me. I have been cheated on before and I knew how it felt. It’s been about a year and he still doesn’t know. We only dated for about a month and a half but I think about what I did every day and I feel like I will never forgive myself.

Meeting her. She was so nice, mature, and was scarily keen and socially intelligent. She knew I liked her. She said she liked me too, but couldnt get into a relationship yet; and that was fine. I was an idiot. She kept leading me on and did things friends... arent supposed to do. She then broke it down to me her friends dont approve of us together and gave her a choice; them, or her. It broke me down when she chose them, although she secretly had me on the side and we kept being together for awhile. Things happened between us though. I kept asking her if she even liked me still and she kept lying and lying, saying "I do like you." It wore me down. Events happened between us because I couldnt tell if she was being nice or if she liked me. She told me she liked me, over and over. She broke me down. Over and over and over, and fixed me over and over and over. She made irreplacable memories and overtime my like turned into love, and every time she fixed me, I started to love her more and more, disregarding myself and making her my everything. We were so close. I would do anything to make her happy. Then she started being distant. I was getting emotional since she suddenly started being distant and making excuses not to see me anymore, and it was like this for a month or so. I couldnt take it and got emotional. She gave me the truth. It was all a lie. She never cared about me, she never acknowledged me as a person, she only knew my name and that was about it. She didnt care about me at all. She never liked me at all. She was just leading me on and playing with me. She threw me away because I was only there for her to cope with the drama she had in her life. Things ended there. I tried to apologize. I got suicidal and really depressed about the whole situation. I wasnt good enough for her to even care about me. I started cutting myself. I got more and more sucidial and I started confiding in people I trusted. They told her everything and betrayed me. They mocked me. They laughed at me saying Ill never be able to talk to her again and that I was manipulative and tried to take her away from them. I had a restraining order from her. The whole school knows about our situation. I dont feel safe at school with all the eyes on me because of her. I just want to kill myself. I dont even think I want to live. I loved her and she didnt care about me at all. They betrayed me and everyone knows. I dont know what to do other then commiting suicide. My life is ruined. I love her so, so, so, so much. I hope shes happy when I kill myself, because I cant handle a life without her.

• July 1, 2023