when i was 15 my dad overdosed as a suicide attempt. my mom told me to keep him conscious while she called 911. i spent the next 15 minutes listening to my dad cry and beg for me to let him die. i watched him take in deep breathes and widen his eyes. only to then stop moving. i had to shake him with all my strength and scream at him to stay awake. but the worst part of it was that for a split moment i wondered what it would be like if he died. if the pain would stop and i wouldn’t have to listen to my mom cry. what if i wasn’t scared to come home after school. would my mom finally care more about me. after my attempt the only thing my dad said to me was that i was too coddled and my mom sat next to him silent. so i debated letting him die. but the paramedics came and they took over. he ended up making a quick recovery and we haven’t really spoken of it since. is there something wrong with me?

I hold back from venting a lot because of this one incident. It was once but it was hard on me especially because it involves a subject I don’t really like talking about. I was about 12. I have a bad relationship with my parents but mostly my dad. And at that time it was at its highest. I had held it in so I wouldn’t blow up on my dad. I explained my situation to people on discord. I know its not much of a reliable source but I was on panic mode. And what they said had mostly matched so I just went with that. I had told them I’d be back. I talked to my dad. Nothing. It was all the same between me and him. I went back to the two people who were helping me and you know what they did? They ignored me. They went on and had their own conversation. I was so angry that I left the server. I’m 13 now I make sure the people who vented to me never got ignored and I made sure to get to them if I accidentally missed it. But I’ve always been scared to vent from that point I thought I’d get ignored or they’d say “same”. Or even think they would say its too much. Even if I got their consent to vent I still think that. Even to people I know I can trust like my best friends, boyfriend, etc. I’m usually a person who holds onto past mistakes and I’m constantly bullying myself. And because of that I have mood swings sometimes and I just need to vent but its so constant so I feel like I need to hold onto it and say that I’m fine when really I’m not. I’m not fine. I’m constantly thinking about different things. Sometimes I think that if I disconnect from everyone and kms everything would be fine. The world would move on and that after my funeral no one would care anymore. The days are getting longer and the nights are getting shorter. Sometimes it feels like hell. I wish that I could climb a building really high. Not to jump off it but just so I can scream my pain out. I wish I knew how to open up to people about my problems. I always joke about it so people won’t find out anything. I just wish that my pain can leave and fade away.

• June 5, 2023