When I was 14, I set an alarm to wake up at 2 a.m to kill myself. Once I got up from the alarm I knew it was time, but I started crying a lot thinking if I should do it. I looked up online to see if I were to be in heaven or not if I killed myself. I was up for 3 hours crying and reading on my phone. I was scared and nervous, but I never did it. I never killed myself. I wanted to kill myself because of how much of a failure I am. I was so stressed from school that I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't take the pressure from life. But I'm still trying to live. I'm still trying to make my life easier. The pills are still hidden in the pocket of my pillow in case I want to kill myself again.

I am afraid that I will be the monster my own mother is. That all of my hard work is for nothing. She has schizoaffective disorder and is a shell of her old self. Stopped taking meds years ago. The woman who raised me, inspired me, and broke me is not there anymore. I love her, but she beat me, mocked me, used me, and took everything from me. She’s violent, cruel, and often goes on ramblings that don’t even make sense. I was diagnosed with CPTSD and a few other interesting acronyms. I am being asked to have an evaluation done again. I am afraid that with the symptoms I am experiencing, I may be schizophrenic. And I don’t know if I can live with this disease. I see, hear, and feel things that aren’t there. I can’t sleep at night. Sometimes these things are so vivid, I don’t even realize that it isn’t real until long after I interacted with it. I used to be able to tell, but seeing this happen less and less scares me. The thought of sharing the same fate as her sickens me. The thought that the same disease that took her once brilliant mind away may already be in my own skull bothers me. She hurt everyone around her who loves her. My deepest and darkest fear is to be the father who failed to leave that behind. That my own children will come to hate me for what I have done. I have been reassured that there are many who have this diagnosis live a meaningful life. But I don’t know if I can choose to willingly go on. I don’t want to put my wife through what my dad did being married to my mother and our children through what I did. It’s this fear that is stopping me from getting checked and medicated as I need to be.

• June 11, 2023