TW. this happened a few weeks ago, but the death was recent. my friend zach was an unhinged life of the party. he did questionable acts but meant well. he didn't know right from wrong too well and he had BPD. his father was paralyzed from the waist down a few years ago and he took the blame. zach took my wallet a lot. and i was tired of him spending my money. i called him 3 weeks ago on wednesday in the afternoon and scolded him. i yelled. i screamed. i was so angry that he constantly did it. i then blocked him on everything. but after my college prep period, his younger sister called me, and said, "zach's in the hospital. he tried to OD." and he didn't wake up for another 2 weeks. i ran to visit him when he did. he cried, and he said he was sorry. he said from then on, he'd be a better friend. he wanted to make better memories. he wanted to make me smile like he used to. but this past Saturday, zach passed away at 15 years old due to heart failure. and all i can think about is how he could still be alive if i had just let him use my money.

I always feel like I have no friends. I have two friendsgroups but still I feel like it. I just started 8th grade last year, a new class and a new school, but still the same people. I got in class with 3 of my besties. Were were a group. But only one of them was like my real bestie. Then we met a girl from another school in our class and became friends with her too. But it was most my bestie that got friends with her, also one of the others in the group. My bestie and her started to hangout more often then I could hang out with her. Im jealous. And I know i am. Im jealous of the new girl that stealed my bestie. But she didnt steal her, my "old" bestie left me. But I still have the two other friends in the friend group. We 5 are still a group, but not so much. I also have this other friend group where one of the others from the other group is in too. We are 6 girls. Four of them was really a friend grouo, but then me and the other friend made it in the group. Or atleast I thought I did. (I walk with two of them to school) Today, both said they werent walking home, cause their going to the mall, but I didnt think they were going together. But when I found out all the 5 others in the grouo were going together, i got sad. It felt like they left me out. Im so bad at asking to join too. I feel like that would be disrespectful. I feel like everyone hates ne, and that im annoying to be around. Please help me, i litterly dont know if I can do it anymore.

• July 27, 2023