Tw: sh, suicide November of 2020, I went to a mental hospital. The night before I was sitting in my room crying after I had just harmed myself with blood dripping down my arms and legs. I wrote a suicide letter to my mom telling her I was sorry then burned it. I begged her to take me to the lady of the lake children's hospital and when we got there, I learned she told the doctors about the suicide letter and I idiotically said "You set me up" I will forever regret those words that I said to her. I love my mother so fucking much. But at that moment I was genuinely so scared cause I knew I was gonna get admitted. Ik that isnt an excuse but I still feel horrible. I'm doing better now and it's been 7 ½ months since my last suicide attempt. My mom and I are on good terms. I love her with everything I have and I'm so sorry

I am so scared of becoming nothing in life. Although I wasn't born in the best of situations, I always knew that I had the ability to stand out. By the time I reached high school I was in Stuyvesant, skipped 3 grades in math, 2 in science, and 1 in languages. My whole life my parents and I expected me to achieve something great. But I got addicted to drugs and f*cked up my grades to the point where idk if I can go anywhere except community College. I've been trying to stay sober these days and get back to the person who I feel like I should be but I find myself slipping more into my old ways every day that goes by. All I ever wanted to be in life was a doctor, to help people and do something significant with my life. And I hate myself for being mediocre when everything is telling me I can be more. I had so many doors open to me, and i feel like I locked them all. And the worst thing is, I still have all the keys in my hand, I just don't have the strength to turn them.

• July 27, 2023