this google form is too little for me to say everything but here’s the worst bit. about 2 weeks ago I had an argument over text with my sister about money issues which was almost the last push in her taking her life. However I felt no guilt, I didn’t care, I only pretended to care so no one would question me. I never apologized nor tried to reach out since then. I feel as though I don’t belong in this family or this world because I don’t even feel the connections anymore or atleast the connections just aren’t as strong as they were before. they say I love you and they’ll always be there for me, I can even say I love you back to them but I don’t even know what love is anymore it’s an empty word to me, I’m numb I don’t feel pride or happiness over finished work I don’t feel sad or anxious if something tragic happens, I have no drive to follow my dreams or complete my goals I feel nothing and if by chance I do feel something it’s only for a few minutes. I realize that I am a horrible human being and I don’t blame you or anyone else reading this thinks the same.

i really dislike whenever my parents compare me to my other siblings. it’s always “try harder. they get much better grades than you and what do you do? stay on your phone all day.” the thing is, no matter how much i tell them that i actually try hard and study every night, they never believe me. even my own siblings, they see my studying in my room but end up ganging on me with my parents. it’s like my parents don’t even have faith and belief in their daughter anymore. it’s like my own siblings don’t see me as their sister anymore. i really do try my best when it comes to studying. i really do. no matter how hard it is, i take my time out and study, but my family never seems to understand or agree with what i do. even my friends betray me. believe it or not, i have no friends. no one even checks up on me anymore and life is so boring now. i’ve never felt so lonely and so… upset. i cry every night knowing no one cares about me. there are times where i just wanna end it. what’s the point of being alive if no one even cares? no one ever supports me anymore. the smile of me 5 years ago is not the smile i have right now. all i get is blamed at, body shamed at and yelled at.

• August 6, 2023