Sometimes I get feelings of a deep seeded hatred whether it be for me or others and the thing is when I get them I hyper-fixate on someone’s existence so bad that I want them gone (dea.d). I rarely get these feelings now like so rare but when I do — it’s so bad that it scares me on how much I can hate someone just out of nowhere.

During my last years of college, I met this real cool dude named John. We got along great, he was in a few of my classes, and he was just a nice, normal guy. Before long, he just became another friend in my little gang of diverse friends. Right from the start, I knew he was a straight guy. He talked about women, looked at women, dated women, and hooked up with women. Totally normal. Then near the end of college, I noticed he started to change. It became clear pretty quickly that he had become interested in me. (FYI: I’m a transgender woman.) Well, I freaked bc. well, I’m not a cis-female. So I did everything I could to avoid him. I also didn’t want to tell him the truth either. (Fear) Then he started sending me flowers, messages on social media, you know.. the usual I’m-interested-in-you-stuff. I completely ignored them. I know not telling him the truth was a terrible thing to do, but I couldn’t. I was scared and I didn’t want him to be embarrassed/humiliated. At the end of my senior year, I left without ever seeing him again. Years later, my old friend group found each other again, including him. He told some of them that he was still in love with (the old) me, that I was “that girl” to him, and that I was the “one who got away.” I still haven’t seen him and when he’s going to hang out with our friends, I don’t go. I feel like the sh*ttiest person alive because this situation should’ve NEVER gone on this long. And it was all bc. I was too scared to tell him the truth. I seriously don’t know if I should tell him now, after all these years, or just keep letting him think about someone he thinks is a 100% real woman.

• June 6, 2023