One day I hope I can die, two years ago I had a really bad trip and saw myself die, I witnessed death, judgement, my funeral and my grandmother crying, I saw a gavel slam down and knew that this was it. My last thoughts were oh god I’ll never get to be anyone I want. I’ll never get to live to grow to become me. I was arrested later that night, Now I’m here two years later still trying to rebuild my mind. I found God I found myself, but it cost me my sanity. Ever since then I’ve cut I’ve tried to build the courage up to end it but I can’t bring myself to do it. I believe I’m in hell and that god has abandoned me. If anyone is out there please pray for me.

When I was 16 I found my soulmate. She was beautiful and my heart pumped everytime I looked at her eyes. We've had a relationship for almost 2 years doing whatever we wanted. Running away, sneaking into movie theaters, late night gas station snacks, etc. One day she told me that she was pregnant. I looked at her and told her that NOTHING would make me leave her. She had a toxic family, cocaine, meth, etc mother and drunk abusive father. Her father found out that she got pregnant and she called me saying that she was hitting her mom and her. I rushed over and beat the shit out of her father. We ran away that night. Couple months later and a friend of hers told me that she was on top of a building ledge and looked like she was about to jump off. I rushed over, up countless flights of stairs and when I got to the top I saw her. Crying with a defeated look in her eyes. She said that her dad killed her mother and ran away. By this point she was already 7 months pregnant. She made me promise her a few things and im still trying to keep them. Then she jumped and killed herself and the baby. I still haven't accepted her death to this day and I go to our favorite hangout spots every anniversary day. Its almost been 5 years...

• July 19, 2023