Not going out much. I’m still only 18, but I feel like I don’t have any stories to tell. Never had a relationship, never stayed out late, never went cruising, and all other childhood memories I can only create in my mind. A big part that probably played part on this is the fact that my family is conservative. My parents are strict, but not too strict. They trust me enough to know my limitations. Honestly, it’s not them thats restricting me, I think that it’s myself. I mean all my life, I was quiet, shy, introverted, and reserved. But I did make efforts here and there, taking the initiative to talk to others and making new friends. I’m more outgoing now, but I feel like I’m forcing it. It just feels awkward sometimes, even with my closest friends. Like I feel genuine happiness when I’m out with my friends, but something’s just, missing. I don’t feel complete

I have two older sisters. And two younger sisters. My two older sisters were really close. A few years ago they had a fall out. My oldest sister told my second oldest sister that she could die for all she cared that she never wanted to hear from her again. Their fight was a huge misunderstanding. My second oldest sister called the oldest to ask her to help come clean the apartment and help throw stuff out. My oldest sister misunderstood and thought she meant that we were gonna throw her things away. So when she arrived she started yelling at my sister who couldn’t even get a word out to explain. They haven’t spoken since and my oldest sister never apologized. Anyways so the other day we were hanging out with a friend who asked us which of our siblings was our favorite. I quickly said my younger sister. And when she asked my older sister she just said “I don’t have a favorite anymore.” And I could just hear how sad she was. My biggest regret is not stopping their fight. Maybe then my older sister wouldnt isolate herself from us so much. She used to interact with us so much. And now, you can just see how she’ll laugh with us and suddenly just withdraw herself. Like she just doesn’t feel comfortable being around us or something.

• June 9, 2023