No one really knows about this. I performed CPR on my dead mother. I was still in high school. She died suddenly the night before. I found her. The 911 operator heard me freaking and instructed me to perform CPR, but in doing so I had to pull her to a flat surface and realized she was as stiff as a board. All I remembered was that I heard a cough before falling asleep the night before. I never knew if that was her final breath. She had to have been long dead, because when I walked back into forensics class soon after I was handed a packet on death. The material essentially told me she’d been dead for 12 hours, iirc. I’ve never understood it and I’m Scared to. I just kept reliving it, thinking that if I had gotten up to check I could have saved her. I keep thinking it’s my fault. I can’t forgive myself, I can’t forget about it no matter how hard I try. It feels wrong that I’m still here. It feels wrong that everyone keeps talking about her, and I do it because they do, but it tears me up inside every time. She wasn’t the best, but I miss her so much. She didn’t deserve this.

TW// self harm & suicide i’m known as the “perfect girl” with a “perfect life” by everyone. my parents are still together. there are literally no problems in my family, everyone gets along really well. we aren’t struggling with money. i have all A’s. i was accepted into one of the top private schools in my state. i’ve been on homecoming court and i’ve been elected for a position in the student council. my parents do everything they can to give me an amazing life. but for some reason i feel so sad. i don’t know why and i feel so selfish but i feel sad. i feel like everyone hates me and like they would be better off without me. everyone thinks i’m perfect and my friends even tell me that i’m “the only mentally stable person” that they know. i’m scared of telling anyone else this after it got out and got to my parents. but since this is anonymous i wanted to let it out. i self harm and i relapsed so many times. i attempted 3 times in the past 2 years. obviously it didn’t work and i don’t plan on doing it again for now but i have thoughts about it. it sucks. and i feel so hopeless and helpless even more since no one can see it. i know this is selfish but sometimes i wish people would try and understand and talk to me

• August 5, 2023