No one knows this in my real life but I used to plan in detail my step brothers death. He sexually abused me for a year, my mother didn't believe me and it became a huge fight about me looking for attention and making something small into a big deal. I would hurt myself, and I wanted to die to prove everyone wrong, but I wanted him to go down with me. Sometimes I'd plan to stab him, or steal the gun from my step dad's bedside drawer. I would get really close to doing it but I never did, and I finally got out of the headspace I was in. I no longer want to kill myself and I have a supportive family now through my dad's side. But I still sometimes wish my step brother would just die. Some days I feel guilty for this thought and some days I think its perfectly normal to want your abuser dead. I don't know anymore. Not talking about it isn't helping me though, I think

My parents split up in August of 2018. I was so mad at him for everything he did to me and my family, including my mom. He chose hard drugs, and to cheat on my mom with her childhood bestfriend. I texted him once in a while, because I was 15 and I wanted to make sure my dad knew I didn’t hate him. Then I cut off contact with him after seeing him again in December and hugging him for the last time. I was never able to see him. In March 2021, (my room was right beside the front door) I took a nap at 6pm and woke up at 8pm, to the front door being opened and my mom talking at the door, my grandma was crying and my siblings were upstairs. I was so confused and my grandma comforted me while crying, I asked her if my dad was dead. She said “yes my girl.. he killed himself..” I was in shock at first and I let out the most blood curdling cry. I regret not talking to him. I believe that it’s my fault he’s dead, because I didn’t talk to him. I have the last message he sent to me, and I read it almost every day. I wish I could have done something to save him. Maybe I could have stopped him.

• August 5, 2023