My step brother SA’d and tried to rape me when I was 16. I’m 23 and we don’t talk now but I think about it all the time. I hate myself for letting it happen. It’s made me insecure and I’m depressed, I think about killing myself every day. I don’t masturbate without thinking of him (I don’t want to he just pops up in my head). Sometimes I feel like I’m addicted to porn because of the situation. I’m scared no one will love me. I have intrusive thoughts (about sex) all the time. I hate him so much. He’s ruined my life and I know he doesn’t care. It’s made me hate myself, I can’t look in the mirror without wanting to stab myself. I wish it never happened to me. I never realised it happened till after 2 years and I hate myself for taking so long to realised that he tried to rape me. I want someone to talk to about this but I’m scared. I now have body dysmorphia and i disassociate from society all the time to the point where I just sleep because I want to be in that reality and not this real one. I hope I find happiness one day.

I been thinking real hard about even relaying these awful things about the person that I have admired the most, the person I have respected and revered my whole life but that now, has completely backstabbed me in the worst way possible. A few years ago, a scandal broke in my political family involving my mother. As you can imagine, it nearly broke my marriage and tore my husband’s family apart. My sister in law found my father in law and my mom talking on social media. The worst part of it, when I was confronted, I was accused of knowing about the whole affair and made it looked like I was an accomplice to the whole ordeal. When I had absolutely no clue to such a disgusting mess. I don’t know what neither of them were trying to accomplish and now, I’m the black sheep of the family. No one talks to me. While my father in law is still loved and honored. My mother the home wrecker and I pay the sins of her ordeals. She never once has said I’m sorry. Never! In her head, I’m better off without that side of the family. But it’s not about that; why did she do this to me? Why my father in law? Among so many men? Why him! I guess I’m just looking for an explanation and I know I will never get it from her. Because she just cannot accept she did anything wrong. I wish I could get her version because as of now, I only know everyone else’s but her’s. I always thought I didn’t need to hear her side because it’s not my place to question her, but I have kids who now have to suffer for her sins as well. I don’t think it’s fair to them either. I guess the damage is done as well and the past is the past. I won’t get nothing accomplished but I just want an acknowledgment from her part that she messed up.

• August 12, 2023