My dad died when I was very young. My mom never liked to talk about it until she got re-married. She and her new husband would make fun of him together and say “thank god he’s dead.” My new “dad” was always mean to me and my little sister. When I was 11 years old he SA’d me. I was so scared and had no clue what he did or why he did it. I was so young and I felt like every ounce of my innocence was taken away from me. And it didn’t stop there, he did it to me every Saturday morning when my mother and little sister went to her therapy appointment. I couldn’t speak up because that wouldn’t help. I begged my mom to go with them but she said no. She told me to stay with my dad. But every time he would try something new. It went from bl0wj0bs to handcuffed s3x, to forced 0ral s3x and it just got worse and worse. My mom divorced him 2 years ago but every Saturday morning I still hide underneath the sink in a little crawl space to cry. I will never EVER be the same.

I hold back from venting a lot because of this one incident. It was once but it was hard on me especially because it involves a subject I don’t really like talking about. I was about 12. I have a bad relationship with my parents but mostly my dad. And at that time it was at its highest. I had held it in so I wouldn’t blow up on my dad. I explained my situation to people on discord. I know its not much of a reliable source but I was on panic mode. And what they said had mostly matched so I just went with that. I had told them I’d be back. I talked to my dad. Nothing. It was all the same between me and him. I went back to the two people who were helping me and you know what they did? They ignored me. They went on and had their own conversation. I was so angry that I left the server. I’m 13 now I make sure the people who vented to me never got ignored and I made sure to get to them if I accidentally missed it. But I’ve always been scared to vent from that point I thought I’d get ignored or they’d say “same”. Or even think they would say its too much. Even if I got their consent to vent I still think that. Even to people I know I can trust like my best friends, boyfriend, etc. I’m usually a person who holds onto past mistakes and I’m constantly bullying myself. And because of that I have mood swings sometimes and I just need to vent but its so constant so I feel like I need to hold onto it and say that I’m fine when really I’m not. I’m not fine. I’m constantly thinking about different things. Sometimes I think that if I disconnect from everyone and kms everything would be fine. The world would move on and that after my funeral no one would care anymore. The days are getting longer and the nights are getting shorter. Sometimes it feels like hell. I wish that I could climb a building really high. Not to jump off it but just so I can scream my pain out. I wish I knew how to open up to people about my problems. I always joke about it so people won’t find out anything. I just wish that my pain can leave and fade away.

• June 5, 2023