My brother just passed away. It was tragic, an accident. We were extremely close in age, so we were best friends. It was/is the worst thing i’ve ever been through. But what tears me apart is that i’m somehow happier than I was before he died. Not because of him, but because I hated myself before. I hated who I was and was miserable all of the time. Depressed, anxious, and just miserable. Now i’m happy, lively, I have drive and motivation which I never had before. I think it’s because the day he died, I died with him. That version of myself died because it crushed my entire soul and being. And because I hated her, i’m happy that she’s gone. I just hate that THIS was what got rid of her. It changed my life and made me better. I feel so guilty all the time for being happy, especially so soon after it happened. It tears me apart. I shouldn’t be so okay. I want him back more than anything, and I’d be that miserable version of myself forever if it meant he’d still be here.

My parents split up in August of 2018. I was so mad at him for everything he did to me and my family, including my mom. He chose hard drugs, and to cheat on my mom with her childhood bestfriend. I texted him once in a while, because I was 15 and I wanted to make sure my dad knew I didn’t hate him. Then I cut off contact with him after seeing him again in December and hugging him for the last time. I was never able to see him. In March 2021, (my room was right beside the front door) I took a nap at 6pm and woke up at 8pm, to the front door being opened and my mom talking at the door, my grandma was crying and my siblings were upstairs. I was so confused and my grandma comforted me while crying, I asked her if my dad was dead. She said “yes my girl.. he killed himself..” I was in shock at first and I let out the most blood curdling cry. I regret not talking to him. I believe that it’s my fault he’s dead, because I didn’t talk to him. I have the last message he sent to me, and I read it almost every day. I wish I could have done something to save him. Maybe I could have stopped him.

• August 5, 2023