My biggest regret is not knowing how to control my anger. Sometimes I get so mad I bang my head on the wall until I hit my nose so hard it bleeds. Other times I resort to immediate self violence, (cutting, chocking, even O.D) and still don't know why I take such violent reactions to things. Something Ill sit on the window of my bedroom on the second floor debating to jump or not. i think its because I know its Illegal to kill people that I feel I out smarted the justice system by harming myself and getting away with it and not others.

I regret allowing you to treat me so poorly for so long. I should've stood up for myself and what I wanted more. You were my first real relationship and the first person to make me really feel loved. Walking away from you is so hard. But I don't think that you don't love me the way I need to be loved. You saw me as my potential, and not the flawed human I really am. You had expectations that were so impossible to attain and made disappointing you feel like a cardinal sin. You told me I was the best thing that ever happened to you, but I'm scared that you might have been the worst that ever happened to me. That fear is the only reason I moved on, and I'm learning so much about myself and my needs. I'll never stop loving you, but watching you beg and plead for me to come back to you day after day is killing me. I hate watching you suffer, but I know that if I took you back as you are I'm only going to get hurt, and things won't really change. I've spent the last few years dealing with the bs and I just can't keep on after what you did. I know I have to stay strong and keep up my boundaries. You brought out the absolute worst in me and I never want to be that person again. I just hope our son will one day understand why I walked away, without having to learn this lesson the hard way.

• March 26, 2023