my biggest regret... is being afraid to be myself. every time i'd be genuine with people i'd get somewhat of a negative reaction. even if its slight. it still hurt me. "why do you talk like that" "why do you like that certain thing, ew" "what's wrong with you". i felt like everything i did wasn't correct. so i always had to adjust, mirror others, and walk on eggshells with every person i come across just to meet their standards. i feel so foolish for doing this to myself. but at the same time... my god did it feel nice to be appreciated and loved. its sad that i have to wear a mask to receive it, but it was nice nonetheless. now im 21, being true to myself, but im all alone. even then there are some moments where i struggle to be me. my significant other can be very judgemental at times, or at least they were in the past and it sticks with me hard. they've said many things to me before that haunt me to this day. it makes me feel like everything i want to express has to be reviewed in my brain, like a teacher marking a paper with red pen. i wish it wasn't that way. i wish i didn't worry so much. i wish i wasn't me.

Meeting her. She was so nice, mature, and was scarily keen and socially intelligent. She knew I liked her. She said she liked me too, but couldnt get into a relationship yet; and that was fine. I was an idiot. She kept leading me on and did things friends... arent supposed to do. She then broke it down to me her friends dont approve of us together and gave her a choice; them, or her. It broke me down when she chose them, although she secretly had me on the side and we kept being together for awhile. Things happened between us though. I kept asking her if she even liked me still and she kept lying and lying, saying "I do like you." It wore me down. Events happened between us because I couldnt tell if she was being nice or if she liked me. She told me she liked me, over and over. She broke me down. Over and over and over, and fixed me over and over and over. She made irreplacable memories and overtime my like turned into love, and every time she fixed me, I started to love her more and more, disregarding myself and making her my everything. We were so close. I would do anything to make her happy. Then she started being distant. I was getting emotional since she suddenly started being distant and making excuses not to see me anymore, and it was like this for a month or so. I couldnt take it and got emotional. She gave me the truth. It was all a lie. She never cared about me, she never acknowledged me as a person, she only knew my name and that was about it. She didnt care about me at all. She never liked me at all. She was just leading me on and playing with me. She threw me away because I was only there for her to cope with the drama she had in her life. Things ended there. I tried to apologize. I got suicidal and really depressed about the whole situation. I wasnt good enough for her to even care about me. I started cutting myself. I got more and more sucidial and I started confiding in people I trusted. They told her everything and betrayed me. They mocked me. They laughed at me saying Ill never be able to talk to her again and that I was manipulative and tried to take her away from them. I had a restraining order from her. The whole school knows about our situation. I dont feel safe at school with all the eyes on me because of her. I just want to kill myself. I dont even think I want to live. I loved her and she didnt care about me at all. They betrayed me and everyone knows. I dont know what to do other then commiting suicide. My life is ruined. I love her so, so, so, so much. I hope shes happy when I kill myself, because I cant handle a life without her.

• July 1, 2023