I’ve tried to k1ll myself 3 times. Once when I was 7 because I didn’t like the fact that I wasn’t upset over a loved ones death. Again at 8 because my brother called me fat and then r#p3d me that same night. The last time was after my brother died and my mother was brain dead. I was 16 when this happened. I haven’t stepped near a needle or blade since then because it took away the very things I love. But, I can’t find peace at all. It’s been 10 years and everyone told me it’s gonna get better and I feel so distant. Like my entire existence is false. I don’t want to fix myself. I just want to float away. I want to float back into my moms arms at night. Sometimes, I cry myself to sleep, curled up like a child, and begging to have my mom back.

Sooo im currently suffering from an ED (bulmina to be exact) and my friends are supportive of me but at the same time they still make jokes about it. I always hear the “why eat if youll throw it up” “oh did you throw up already” “you cant even keep it down” etc. it doesnt bother me too much because alot of times they try to keep me seated and let me stomach the food down and have always asked me how my progress is. But at the same time, my best friend isnt the biggest eater, at least not infront of me. We would plan days to go out and eat and she always eats less than i do. I get really insecure and that prompts me to get rid of the food. She oftenly comments how little she eats or how shes not hungry. If yk anything about EDs, you should know that it’s extremely competitive. So everytime i hear that or smth similar, body body freezes up and i no longer eat or keep anything down for the day. I cant bring myself too. I feel like a pig everytime i hear “im not hungry” or “oh i only ate one thing today” or anything along the lines of that. Its not her fault for saying this or my friends to joke about it, we aren’t sentimental with each other and it weirds us all out when it does happen. I know they dont mean it and want the best for me, but the comments just drive my ED further and further. I cant go to my family, they make comments on my body regardless so the only people i have are them, but at this point idk if ill be okay.

• July 31, 2023