i've always been lonely. never had a bf or a bsf who i really connected with. i'm used to being there for ppl but can't let myself be vulnerable with them. and now that i'm finally realizing that being their emotional support just makes me lonelier, it seems like everyone's already found their people. what makes it worse is that i have a twin brother (we're 20). i love him a lot, but i was awful to him growing up. i know he resents me and i don't blame him for it. at this point the only way i know how to get his attention is to bug him, because i know if i don't reach out he won't and i'll lose him forever. our parents are older and keep telling us how we'll only have each other soon. and i know that he doesn't need me in his life. but i need him. it's funny because i used to think i was cooler than him but he's so much better than me, even though people think i'm better because i have slightly better social skills. but i'm clinically depressed and anxious and borderline adhd with ocd symptoms and binge-eating and weight issues and i'm lonely and feel worthless all the time. i need someone to be there for me but i don't think i deserve to have him at my side after all the things i said (i have a sharp tongue and a bad temper and i'm good with words, so i've said some really hurtful things in the heat of the moment). and i don't think he'll want to. i'm a big believer in found family, and i'm pretty sure i'm not in his.

I been thinking real hard about even relaying these awful things about the person that I have admired the most, the person I have respected and revered my whole life but that now, has completely backstabbed me in the worst way possible. A few years ago, a scandal broke in my political family involving my mother. As you can imagine, it nearly broke my marriage and tore my husband’s family apart. My sister in law found my father in law and my mom talking on social media. The worst part of it, when I was confronted, I was accused of knowing about the whole affair and made it looked like I was an accomplice to the whole ordeal. When I had absolutely no clue to such a disgusting mess. I don’t know what neither of them were trying to accomplish and now, I’m the black sheep of the family. No one talks to me. While my father in law is still loved and honored. My mother the home wrecker and I pay the sins of her ordeals. She never once has said I’m sorry. Never! In her head, I’m better off without that side of the family. But it’s not about that; why did she do this to me? Why my father in law? Among so many men? Why him! I guess I’m just looking for an explanation and I know I will never get it from her. Because she just cannot accept she did anything wrong. I wish I could get her version because as of now, I only know everyone else’s but her’s. I always thought I didn’t need to hear her side because it’s not my place to question her, but I have kids who now have to suffer for her sins as well. I don’t think it’s fair to them either. I guess the damage is done as well and the past is the past. I won’t get nothing accomplished but I just want an acknowledgment from her part that she messed up.

• August 12, 2023