It's alot so I'm going to summarise as much as I can and my English isnt very good. My grandmother passed on a year ago and I cant seem to get over it. In the same year my mom had a miscarriage and because my dad's mother died and his wife was in and out of hospital, I had to take care of my siblings during my finals. I thought I was okay until I decided to take a gap year and looking back at that year I realised how so much happened and i just let it fly over my head. I felt very useless and stupid for only starting to grieve my losses after everyone else already moved on. It was the first time that year I really considered unaliving and I created a well thought out plans on how I wanted to do it. It also caused me to think about my childhood alot and I realised that I was SA'd as a child by an older friend a number of times, I had no recollection of that until that year. I also remember as a child around 9 I did the same thing to my little brother that the older girl did to me. I did it once and I regret it I can't help but think I'm the reason why my brother might grow up to be like me. My mind also keeps on wondering back to the multiple times I caught my dad cheating on my mom and every year it gets harder and harder to keep a sectet that could very well make or break my family. I feel like a piece of shit. My mind for the past year has been having these thoughts replay over and over in my head. The only reason I'm still here is because I have little sister i want to take care of and make sure she grows up to be a decent human being. My thoughts have been eating me up. This year I had my first boyfriend i broke up with him after he sexually assaulted me he didnt rape he just kept on touching my private area. I have tried asking my mom for help without really explaining anything and now i dont even know if i want to ask for help cause I leave to go abroad to study medicine in a few months. Im 19 and i feel like these problems shouldn't belong to me I cant keep using unhealthy coping mechanism to go on. I'm just tired.