in december 2021, my mom passed away from liver failure. almost every night for the past few years when she would drink, i'd lock myself in my room and think to myself, "it's okay. she'll be dead soon, and i don't have to worry about it anymore." until she passed. while she was in the hospital for those two weeks before her death, the realization of how shitty of a daughter i was began to set in. all those times i got pointlessly mad at her, all the arguments and all the times i'd say i wish she wasn't my mother started to replay in my head. i was so upset with myself and with her, and for the last two weeks she was alive, i never got to truly say sorry for all the things i've done. i took my mother's life for granted. it feels like i am the reason why she drank so much. i loved my mother. i really did. remembering that i'll never see her again kills me inside.

I fell in love with a guy for 5 years of my life. No matter how much time we were away from each other I couldn’t forget him or move on from him. 2 years ago I started to date someone else and had stoped talking to the other guy who we will call Jacob. For so long I thought that I had stoped loving Jacob yet not once did he leave my mind. He was always in my heart and was such an important person. Many people ask why I didn’t just stay with him. The truth is that he never told me how he truly felt. He never spoke his mind to me. He was always quiet and refused to tell me how he felt about me. In a way I know he loved me too. I just don’t think he wanted to be an open person because he was never open with anyone at all. We weren’t meant to be and this past summer I left my relationship to try and be with Jacob but he was hurting me by staying silent and not telling me if he wanted to be with me. He said he did but he wasn’t open on his feelings and as much as I think he did love me I also think that he was never gonna fight for me or open up to me. I wish it was different. He was the only person I will ever have such a strong connection and bond with. After two months of trying to work something out with him again. It failed. I felt like he wanted the whole world but me. I love him I really do. I went back to the guy I was dating because I felt it was unfair to leave such a great guy for something that wasn’t gonna work out. However I truly love Jacob and yes I love my boyfriend too but Jacob will always be a piece of my life and soul. I don’t know how to let Jacob go. At nights I miss him a lot and I need to constantly remind myself that I need to let him go. I just wanna forget him and move in. I wish it was easy. I just wanna feel happiness and no longer pain from a love that was too good to be true.

• July 30, 2023