im suicidal but im too scared to say anything bc ive been to the psych ward 5 times and 3 long-term facilities im turning 20 this year and i dont know what to do ive survived 4 attempts on my life i hate myself so much i dont think im good enough for anyone it would be so easy to slowly cut off everyone ik then just end it all... i dont have anything to keep me here anymore

I used to think a man was watching me everywhere I went. I live out in the woods and I’d have an irrational fear of his eyes watching me through my window at night. I lived like that for 2 years and sometimes things would happen. Our property was in the middle of nowhere but someone stole a chainsaw from our shed and I couldn’t sleep for 4 days. Another time my mom joked about thinking she heard someone ring the doorbell twice at night. She had no idea hearing that triggered me even worse. Another time I found a ballon hanging from a tree and I was certain it was a “sign” cuz I asked how else it got there. I slowly lost my mind and brought out a knife and tried asking the man I thought was watching me to kill me one night out in the woods. I was 12 and it was hard. We moved and I feel better but how do I get rid of the irrational fears like this I get??

• June 30, 2023