I'm stuck inside of a house, with my homophobic grandparents i was thrown on the floor before we moved to ohio, im mentally not ok and i have to act like i am, i am not allowed to be Chanel when that is who i am, i have stomach ulcers from all of the worry, they are trying to make me something im not I AM CHANEL they are trying to take who i am away from me, i have always been picked on for being who i am, and who i am will never change (p.s. my mom is with me too and i get to go to my grandmothers some weekends for a break however this is a kind grandma)

My parents split up in August of 2018. I was so mad at him for everything he did to me and my family, including my mom. He chose hard drugs, and to cheat on my mom with her childhood bestfriend. I texted him once in a while, because I was 15 and I wanted to make sure my dad knew I didn’t hate him. Then I cut off contact with him after seeing him again in December and hugging him for the last time. I was never able to see him. In March 2021, (my room was right beside the front door) I took a nap at 6pm and woke up at 8pm, to the front door being opened and my mom talking at the door, my grandma was crying and my siblings were upstairs. I was so confused and my grandma comforted me while crying, I asked her if my dad was dead. She said “yes my girl.. he killed himself..” I was in shock at first and I let out the most blood curdling cry. I regret not talking to him. I believe that it’s my fault he’s dead, because I didn’t talk to him. I have the last message he sent to me, and I read it almost every day. I wish I could have done something to save him. Maybe I could have stopped him.

• August 5, 2023