im struggling. i lost the girl of my dreams. doing terrible in school. started smoking. no job. and i hate talking to my friends about it. i know that they’re there for me but i hate the pity. the worst part is there is i feel like i can’t do anything about it. im trying very hard but my parents and taking my motivation from me. i know that im gonna change one day and get in the groove of things. one day i’ll finally live my dreams. but god right now is so hard. im trying and everyday feels the same. i get terrible sleep and my friends are noticing. i haven’t talked to my therapist in months and i really want to. i just want to turn my life around but im struggling for the motivation for it. i feel like this is what separates the successful from the unsuccessful. one day i’ll find an even better girl. i’ll get straight As. i’ll quit smoking. i’ll have an amazing job. but right now isn’t that time. it’s easy to feel motivated for 5 minutes but to consistently be acting in my best interest for long periods of time is hard. i feel like i was only able to achieve that when i was in a relationship. how can i be motivated again. please help me find out how. i want to wake up everyday with the “i’m gonna fuck shit up ” mindset. i need to learn how to get on that horse and ride it into the sunset. for those who were able to be motivated and work hard everyday what is your secret. how do you do it. i feel like i’ve been lazy my whole life and it’s my biggest flaw. please tell me.

Meeting her. She was so nice, mature, and was scarily keen and socially intelligent. She knew I liked her. She said she liked me too, but couldnt get into a relationship yet; and that was fine. I was an idiot. She kept leading me on and did things friends... arent supposed to do. She then broke it down to me her friends dont approve of us together and gave her a choice; them, or her. It broke me down when she chose them, although she secretly had me on the side and we kept being together for awhile. Things happened between us though. I kept asking her if she even liked me still and she kept lying and lying, saying "I do like you." It wore me down. Events happened between us because I couldnt tell if she was being nice or if she liked me. She told me she liked me, over and over. She broke me down. Over and over and over, and fixed me over and over and over. She made irreplacable memories and overtime my like turned into love, and every time she fixed me, I started to love her more and more, disregarding myself and making her my everything. We were so close. I would do anything to make her happy. Then she started being distant. I was getting emotional since she suddenly started being distant and making excuses not to see me anymore, and it was like this for a month or so. I couldnt take it and got emotional. She gave me the truth. It was all a lie. She never cared about me, she never acknowledged me as a person, she only knew my name and that was about it. She didnt care about me at all. She never liked me at all. She was just leading me on and playing with me. She threw me away because I was only there for her to cope with the drama she had in her life. Things ended there. I tried to apologize. I got suicidal and really depressed about the whole situation. I wasnt good enough for her to even care about me. I started cutting myself. I got more and more sucidial and I started confiding in people I trusted. They told her everything and betrayed me. They mocked me. They laughed at me saying Ill never be able to talk to her again and that I was manipulative and tried to take her away from them. I had a restraining order from her. The whole school knows about our situation. I dont feel safe at school with all the eyes on me because of her. I just want to kill myself. I dont even think I want to live. I loved her and she didnt care about me at all. They betrayed me and everyone knows. I dont know what to do other then commiting suicide. My life is ruined. I love her so, so, so, so much. I hope shes happy when I kill myself, because I cant handle a life without her.

• July 1, 2023