I’m not really happy. I pretend that the meds are working and I pretend that I love everything that I do but i’m not actually happy.. i have a loving family and a loving boyfriend but i also don’t wanna live. i’ve been to therapist after therapist and i just can’t get help. the only thing keeping me going right now is my boyfriend but i can’t tell him that because then he’ll get worried. everyone at school hates me for being gay and i can’t actually find friends anywhere. i’m too awkward and i just mess things up.

when i was younger (like 7-12) my dad used to hit my sisters and my mom divorced him. he rarely did it to me but he would emotionally abuse me a lot. like being manipulative and narcissistic. i’ve been to a therapist ordered by the court about it but no one ever takes me seriously because “he never really hit me” it still impacts me a lot and i try not to think about it but when i do it really messes me up. recently my moms boyfriend had asked us to move in with him and my mom said yes. my dad used to move around a lot and so the town that we’re moving to he has lived in. it’s giving me severe ptsd and anxiety and i can’t control it but my mom is telling me to get over it because hes different. well she’s had boyfriends before and they weren’t different. i can’t help feeling guilty like i’m stopping them from being happy but i’m very unsure about it. her boyfriend hasn’t given me a reason to doubt him and he’s really good to me and my younger siblings but i still worth it won’t work out.

• August 4, 2023