i’m just so tired. i could say i wanna die but i probably won’t mean it. i’m just so tired of everything and everyone and having to live up to society’s standards. it’s sickening that i need to change the way i am just so the people around me could be happy. i’m just so done with the fact that i can’t be me. i’m just tired. i want it all to end. i just wanna be happy. i want to wake up and not repeat the same day as yesterday. i wanna wake up and look forward to something. i wanna be happy. i wanna be me. which is something i can’t do due to the fact that i need to change myself to make people happy. i’m just so fucking tired man.

i want to die. it’s crazy this is the first time I’ve actually written that because I’m scared of the truth. I always thought mentally I was okay. I thought I could do it or I could just forget I’m sad. I know, it sounds stupid but genuinely I want to be happy. I want to stop thinking I’ll kill myself. I want to stop trying to find excuses why I should stay alive. Recently the excuse of my mom hasn’t been helping. And now I’m scared one day I’ll be done.it started after my cousin touched me when I was 6. i remember it like it was yesterday. I removed the feelings I had while he touched me. I remember the fear I felt and how I wanted to run. I remember all the people in the room watching it happen and not helping. I also remember me not saying anything for weeks because I was afraid my family would yell at me. And then it happened when I was 9, 11 and 14. I remember everything and I’ve never told a soul what happened. I mean ofc people know but not how many times or who did it. I refuse to be labeled as a victim. Because those who are, are just the victims. Not the survivors and not the ones who made a change. I can’t go to my friends because they never really have time for me. I’ll make time for them always idc I worked three full time jobs at once and always made time. But I understand sometimes it might be harder for others. It’s okay.

• June 25, 2023