I'm jealous of people who have a positive outlook on life. I try to be positive but it's so hard. My whole life has been nothing but difficult and I don't know when or if I'll ever feel content. I'm only fourteen but I've struggled so much and I just wish I could be happy for more than just one short month. Life feels good for a few weeks and then everything goes downhill. I feel like none of my friends understand me and what I've gone through. I love them but I wish I could have a friend who truly knows me. I wish I could be a normal teenager. I wish I could be like the girls who smile and laugh with friends in their cute outfits and I know everyone has struggles and everyone feels sad and hides it from people but I could never be like them.

i really dislike whenever my parents compare me to my other siblings. it’s always “try harder. they get much better grades than you and what do you do? stay on your phone all day.” the thing is, no matter how much i tell them that i actually try hard and study every night, they never believe me. even my own siblings, they see my studying in my room but end up ganging on me with my parents. it’s like my parents don’t even have faith and belief in their daughter anymore. it’s like my own siblings don’t see me as their sister anymore. i really do try my best when it comes to studying. i really do. no matter how hard it is, i take my time out and study, but my family never seems to understand or agree with what i do. even my friends betray me. believe it or not, i have no friends. no one even checks up on me anymore and life is so boring now. i’ve never felt so lonely and so… upset. i cry every night knowing no one cares about me. there are times where i just wanna end it. what’s the point of being alive if no one even cares? no one ever supports me anymore. the smile of me 5 years ago is not the smile i have right now. all i get is blamed at, body shamed at and yelled at.

• August 6, 2023