I'm currently 14 but i want to kill myself so badly. Ive tried it about 23 times and they all failed, the one that most of my friends know about is the time i consumed 30 pills within a day and while at school, some of the pills were for my cramps that day but when i got home i kept taking pills among pills i never stopped, i kept laughing all night not sure if what to do, I had the urge to take more as time passed, I couldn't cry i just sat there laughing at absolutely nothing, when i told my closest friend about it she said it was okay to feel this way and that she understood, but i never truly believed that. I told another friend later but all she did was yell at me over and over gave me help lines to call and told me "YOU NEED HELP" I had the urge to stop being a people pleaser and tell her straight up that I knew I needed help but forcing me to get it isn't going to do jack shit but I didn't. after a while it made me realize, I was the one there for her the most. She clung on to my friends and my friends loved her, not seeing her 'everything is about me' side. She never checks up on me but I always do, she always takes about boys and when I have something important to say and I tell her she always dismissed it, then brought up another subject about her and things that she likes. It makes me feel sick whenever she texts me and I don't know how to deal with it anymore. [Sorry for the shitty spelling and run-on sentences]

I been thinking real hard about even relaying these awful things about the person that I have admired the most, the person I have respected and revered my whole life but that now, has completely backstabbed me in the worst way possible. A few years ago, a scandal broke in my political family involving my mother. As you can imagine, it nearly broke my marriage and tore my husband’s family apart. My sister in law found my father in law and my mom talking on social media. The worst part of it, when I was confronted, I was accused of knowing about the whole affair and made it looked like I was an accomplice to the whole ordeal. When I had absolutely no clue to such a disgusting mess. I don’t know what neither of them were trying to accomplish and now, I’m the black sheep of the family. No one talks to me. While my father in law is still loved and honored. My mother the home wrecker and I pay the sins of her ordeals. She never once has said I’m sorry. Never! In her head, I’m better off without that side of the family. But it’s not about that; why did she do this to me? Why my father in law? Among so many men? Why him! I guess I’m just looking for an explanation and I know I will never get it from her. Because she just cannot accept she did anything wrong. I wish I could get her version because as of now, I only know everyone else’s but her’s. I always thought I didn’t need to hear her side because it’s not my place to question her, but I have kids who now have to suffer for her sins as well. I don’t think it’s fair to them either. I guess the damage is done as well and the past is the past. I won’t get nothing accomplished but I just want an acknowledgment from her part that she messed up.

• August 12, 2023