i’m 15 and closeted. i met my best friend around 6 years ago, and we hit it off instantly. over the years ive developed this massive crush on him, he’s just so perfect. whenever i’m sad/anxious he’ll hold my hand and squeeze 3 times and let go, indicating that he loves me. i guess we’ve always had that kind of relationship where we can tell eachother we love eachother without it being weird. one time when we were both VERY under the influence we kissed. not like, making out, rather a peck on the lips. that kiss means everything to me, i just wish i knew how he felt about me. he’s one of the nicest and funniest people i know, he always makes time for me and i make time for him. ever since we’ve met, we have been inseparable. recently he got a girlfriend, and it absolutely shattered me. he’s stopped squeezing my hand. it breaks my heart knowing him and i won’t be together, but i’m happy he found soemone that makes him happy.

i really dislike whenever my parents compare me to my other siblings. it’s always “try harder. they get much better grades than you and what do you do? stay on your phone all day.” the thing is, no matter how much i tell them that i actually try hard and study every night, they never believe me. even my own siblings, they see my studying in my room but end up ganging on me with my parents. it’s like my parents don’t even have faith and belief in their daughter anymore. it’s like my own siblings don’t see me as their sister anymore. i really do try my best when it comes to studying. i really do. no matter how hard it is, i take my time out and study, but my family never seems to understand or agree with what i do. even my friends betray me. believe it or not, i have no friends. no one even checks up on me anymore and life is so boring now. i’ve never felt so lonely and so… upset. i cry every night knowing no one cares about me. there are times where i just wanna end it. what’s the point of being alive if no one even cares? no one ever supports me anymore. the smile of me 5 years ago is not the smile i have right now. all i get is blamed at, body shamed at and yelled at.

• August 6, 2023