I wish people that my boyfriend could understand how depressed and fucked up I am in the head. I’m 23 years old and my childhood caused alot of mental health issues for me. I was abused physically and mentally by my mother and step father. My boyfriend sometimes try’s to compare our lives and he would try telling me that HE had the hardest life because of him working at a young age.. no babe. I wish I was the one who could’ve been doing that. Instead between my 3 other siblings living with me and my mom and step father I was the ONLY one who got beaten every day. No I don’t mean beaten as in smacked or grounded. I mean with punches. My stepfather was a big man. With anything they could find punched bitten, hit with a wired hanger, belt, thrown down the stairs everything. I would’ve rather been doing what my boyfriend was than what was happening to me between age 5-13. No one ever understands. I can’t even write everything here because it wouldn’t even be allowed to be shown and be taken down. So I’m keeping the minimal things. I tell them the story’s of what they did to me and no one listens. They think I’m like this right now because I want to. All these character traits about me that No one likes and they think that I just forget things on purpose, that I go selective mute on Purpose. I don’t. I wish that I didn’t. And everyday that I’m alive all I do is make other people happy. That’s all I do. I have to mask my sadness to be normal. I hate masking. I feel so alone all the time because I don’t want to put my sadness onto other people. But it’s so hard that I’m just to the point where I think about unaliving myself.. I know I wouldn’t be able to do it because the pure idea of death and the thoughts give me panic attacks. I just wish I had someone who isn’t my boyfriend to talk to or who isn’t my friend who can’t understand or respond to half the things I tell her. I keep feeling so alone. And I’m so tired of not letting myself be sad because I worry about how it’s going to affect my bf because he gets depressed some days and I don’t want to dump that onto him.