I wish I kissed her after her birthday. We had known each other for a bit, and we were clear with how we felt about each other, but she was bit hesitant still. We had a birthday dinner, and afterwards we sat and talked in my car for a couple of hours. (It was nice just having here there). Afterwards, she texted me when she got that she thought about making a move in the car, and now I wish I did. Maybe things would be different than the way they are now. But it is what it is, you know? ‍♂️ It’s been a month since we last talked and I’ve been thinking about getting our friendship back on track next month. But idk, I’m on the fence still.

I am 14 and boys always try to take advantage of me by telling me that they don’t want me for my body and that they want to get to know me and I fall for it every time. Sometimes I just feel like giving them what they want. What’s the point in saving my V card if everyone wants it maybe I might feel loved then. My father was never present in my life and frankly I try to tell myself I never needed him and that the father daughter dances at school or the advice I didn’t want but all I was doing was lying to myself. I don’t know how it feels to be love and appreciated because I didn’t grow up in an affectionate household. My mom left me and my siblings for her boyfriend when we were little. I always advice my grandmother to put them on child support but she’s stubborn and doesn’t like asking for help. I have no respect for either of my parents whatsoever. Sometimes I just want to die. I always feel like a burden. But I’m also too much of a pussy to die because I don’t want to leave my sister and such an cold and unforgiving place. I’m always told that I’m thinking of others before myself but it’s not much to think about when it comes to myself. I have no self confidence. I hate my body I always feel disgusted when I look on the mirror but I put up a front so people don’t know that I feel worthless. I want my sister to see that she’s a black queen and beautiful despite the feats of the world but it’s all a front. That no matter how hard I look I don't feel pretty. Sometimes I avoid school just for the soul purpose that there are too many pretty girls. I always feel like dirt on the sidewalk compared to them. And when some many boys just want your body it’s hard to feel pretty sometimes I just feel like it’s not worth it anymore. I’m numb I’m breathing but I’m not living. I have a passion for music now but my family doesn’t like it. When I play my instrument or sing they always say shut up or it’s annoying. I feel like there’s no point in dreaming of going to juillard or staying band. Maybe if I’m gone it will give my grandma some relief. She says she loves us but what if she could live her life without having to raise more kids. She should have had the freedom to let go and not have to deal with anymore kids at her age. I also have trust issues so I never share the full truth with any of my friends, about how I lived in a hotel for 5 years or how sometimes when I’m laughing and smiling and making them feel better about their problems I’m just sinking deeper in the hole. I haven’t cried in months. I don’t really mind I felt like I was raised to hide my emotions and that they didn’t matter. We just moved into an apartment. I should feel happy but I don’t I just feel empty. I know that’s a lot but I just needed to vent Thanks for listening ❤️

• April 1, 2023