I was sexually assaulted by my dad to the point talking to any older man makes me freeze with anxiety and I can't think at all. I want to get help but I don't want anyone knowing it was my dad who molested me for 4 years. It's not that I care about his reputation I don't want people to look at me wierd or say hurtful things like I deserved it. If only I had been a better daughter maybe it never would have happened. I know it was my fault sleeping in shorts or a dress was a bad idea but I don't wear pajama pants. I don't know what to do

I was a sophomore in high school when I went to stay at my mothers house since I had Drama practice after school. We finish drama and R and M go to wait for us while E comes with me to go ask to hang out. Keep in mind I’ve been living with my grandma since 13 since my mother decided she wanted to kick me out. So we went and asked my moms bf at the time and then a woke argument started because I asked him to call my grandma to get my grandmas permission, since I live with her. He basically shrugs me off and calls me mom who was a CNA at the time while she’s at work. My moms upset because he called her clearly by the tome in her voice and says no and that’s the end of it for him. I once again ask him to call my grandma and he tells me I’m being disrespectful and I’m going to follow my mothers rules. After that we argued again and E is already walking back into town at this point. My moms bf then proceeded to tell me to get my stuff and get out, kind you I’m only 15 at this point. So I grab everything I brought with me, which was a duffle bag, school backpack, and a few other things and caught up with E crying like crazy because I just got kicked out. We met up with R and M and we all start going back to M’s place and I know my mother is very abusive so I’m not going with her if she ended up showing up. I guess sometime during us walking my moms bf called her saying I left. My mom finds us right as we make it to M’s house and immediately starts screaming for me to get in the car. I go into a panic attack and R and E stand in front of me and M is on the phone with the police. My mom threatens to hit them and everything else. Years later my mom and I are on decent terms and I asked her about it. She proceeded to stick up for him and say “you should’ve come and visited more often and it wouldn’t have happened.” My mothers ego is worth more than her child’s mental health.

• June 16, 2023