I used to think a man was watching me everywhere I went. I live out in the woods and I’d have an irrational fear of his eyes watching me through my window at night. I lived like that for 2 years and sometimes things would happen. Our property was in the middle of nowhere but someone stole a chainsaw from our shed and I couldn’t sleep for 4 days. Another time my mom joked about thinking she heard someone ring the doorbell twice at night. She had no idea hearing that triggered me even worse. Another time I found a ballon hanging from a tree and I was certain it was a “sign” cuz I asked how else it got there. I slowly lost my mind and brought out a knife and tried asking the man I thought was watching me to kill me one night out in the woods. I was 12 and it was hard. We moved and I feel better but how do I get rid of the irrational fears like this I get??

I hold back from venting a lot because of this one incident. It was once but it was hard on me especially because it involves a subject I don’t really like talking about. I was about 12. I have a bad relationship with my parents but mostly my dad. And at that time it was at its highest. I had held it in so I wouldn’t blow up on my dad. I explained my situation to people on discord. I know its not much of a reliable source but I was on panic mode. And what they said had mostly matched so I just went with that. I had told them I’d be back. I talked to my dad. Nothing. It was all the same between me and him. I went back to the two people who were helping me and you know what they did? They ignored me. They went on and had their own conversation. I was so angry that I left the server. I’m 13 now I make sure the people who vented to me never got ignored and I made sure to get to them if I accidentally missed it. But I’ve always been scared to vent from that point I thought I’d get ignored or they’d say “same”. Or even think they would say its too much. Even if I got their consent to vent I still think that. Even to people I know I can trust like my best friends, boyfriend, etc. I’m usually a person who holds onto past mistakes and I’m constantly bullying myself. And because of that I have mood swings sometimes and I just need to vent but its so constant so I feel like I need to hold onto it and say that I’m fine when really I’m not. I’m not fine. I’m constantly thinking about different things. Sometimes I think that if I disconnect from everyone and kms everything would be fine. The world would move on and that after my funeral no one would care anymore. The days are getting longer and the nights are getting shorter. Sometimes it feels like hell. I wish that I could climb a building really high. Not to jump off it but just so I can scream my pain out. I wish I knew how to open up to people about my problems. I always joke about it so people won’t find out anything. I just wish that my pain can leave and fade away.

• June 5, 2023