I strive to be the best son possible to my father, he tells me " don't do something you do not wanna to do to please me do it for you to make yourself happy" but the thing is whatever I do I don't do it to be happy I do it for him to prove I can be someone or something great. Throughout my life I was never good at anything I always seemed to disappoint him. Now, going to college get that piece of paper is something I don't wanna do but just seeing my father smile evertime I tell him I'm gonna get it just makes it even more tough. I just feel shifty everytime I want to tell him I no longer want to go.

i want to die. it’s crazy this is the first time I’ve actually written that because I’m scared of the truth. I always thought mentally I was okay. I thought I could do it or I could just forget I’m sad. I know, it sounds stupid but genuinely I want to be happy. I want to stop thinking I’ll kill myself. I want to stop trying to find excuses why I should stay alive. Recently the excuse of my mom hasn’t been helping. And now I’m scared one day I’ll be done.it started after my cousin touched me when I was 6. i remember it like it was yesterday. I removed the feelings I had while he touched me. I remember the fear I felt and how I wanted to run. I remember all the people in the room watching it happen and not helping. I also remember me not saying anything for weeks because I was afraid my family would yell at me. And then it happened when I was 9, 11 and 14. I remember everything and I’ve never told a soul what happened. I mean ofc people know but not how many times or who did it. I refuse to be labeled as a victim. Because those who are, are just the victims. Not the survivors and not the ones who made a change. I can’t go to my friends because they never really have time for me. I’ll make time for them always idc I worked three full time jobs at once and always made time. But I understand sometimes it might be harder for others. It’s okay.

• June 25, 2023