i still have feelings for my ex she was the best thing that happened to me she made me happy she was always there for me we're still friends we dont talk as much but when we do i always smile so much shes been in a relationship for a while and recently she told me she broke up with me cause she lost feelings for me i was in the darkest time of my life when we broke up and i had a few thoughts of suicide i was hurting myself multiple times a day in my room while i showered even at school i fell asleep while crying everyday while i pretended i was happy to not worry my best friend i feel so bad for having feelings for her because my best friend has comforted me through everything when she left ive been clean from cutting for like 5 months but i really wish i could hurt myself again because its so hard staying clean and im scared ill eventually relapse and ill disappoint my best friend cause she has supported me and always helped me hide the cuts but i told her i moved on even tho i haven't yet cause i miss my ex so much its hurts so fucking bad i just want her to love me again like she did before

I been thinking real hard about even relaying these awful things about the person that I have admired the most, the person I have respected and revered my whole life but that now, has completely backstabbed me in the worst way possible. A few years ago, a scandal broke in my political family involving my mother. As you can imagine, it nearly broke my marriage and tore my husband’s family apart. My sister in law found my father in law and my mom talking on social media. The worst part of it, when I was confronted, I was accused of knowing about the whole affair and made it looked like I was an accomplice to the whole ordeal. When I had absolutely no clue to such a disgusting mess. I don’t know what neither of them were trying to accomplish and now, I’m the black sheep of the family. No one talks to me. While my father in law is still loved and honored. My mother the home wrecker and I pay the sins of her ordeals. She never once has said I’m sorry. Never! In her head, I’m better off without that side of the family. But it’s not about that; why did she do this to me? Why my father in law? Among so many men? Why him! I guess I’m just looking for an explanation and I know I will never get it from her. Because she just cannot accept she did anything wrong. I wish I could get her version because as of now, I only know everyone else’s but her’s. I always thought I didn’t need to hear her side because it’s not my place to question her, but I have kids who now have to suffer for her sins as well. I don’t think it’s fair to them either. I guess the damage is done as well and the past is the past. I won’t get nothing accomplished but I just want an acknowledgment from her part that she messed up.

• August 12, 2023