I spend a great deal of time fantasizing about killing someone. I've chosen who (he's a rapist, trust me, he deserves it) and I've chosen how/when/where/etc. I say I won't do it, but honestly, I haven't gotten the chance. I don't know when I'll see him again, and I'm scared that I'll break down and let him hurt me again, and even more scared that I'll actually kill him. I don't mind going to prison or a psych ward, honestly I wouldn't even mind killing myself afterwards since there's nothing left for me. But there's people close to me that love him and I can't begin to imagine explaining to them why I did it or seeing them heartbroken or deal with them seeing me as a monster.

unfortunately i am in love with one of my friends. i met this person last october, which means we have known each other for about 5-6 months. in that span of time, i found myself literally falling in love. i don't know why. i feel the need to just be around him or something like that. and he's my friend, we go to the same school and we're in the same friend group; it's inevitable we see each other and talk to each other every day. we do call each other outside of school, but never alone with just each other. there will be times where we are the only ones in a call and we would be waiting for other people to get on and join. in the time that we wait, sometimes there are long intervals of silence. it's not awkward, i don't think. he might be playing a game, and i'll be on a game myself or listening to music. it's nice silence, i know they're there, and he knows i'm there. i want to think that's how it is. we both know we are there. this person has made me question myself so damn much. my emotions and feelings. it's confusing and frustrating. he makes my stomach and head feel fuzzy when i see them or think about them. it's so foreign, despite being a few relationships prior to this situation. he makes me feel literal butterflies. there was one night where he kept me up til midnight talking about his problems in life. (i was okay with hearing about it.) that included his relationships. he ended up talking about this girl he really liked and she also went to our school. apparently they used to like each other and i found what he described their relationship to be very sweet and wholesome. he wrote a song about her! when he told me that it didn't make me upset. but when he told me about how she ended up breaking his heart, recently too, that made me quite upset. the girl ended up ghosting him basically and the next time he saw her she was holding hands with some guy. he was mad and sad, that's what he told me. a part of me just wanted to comfort him and tell him whatever i thought would fit the conversation, even though im not really good at giving advice. another part of me felt selfish, and i ACTUALLY thought "i would never do that." as of now, i'm still unable to find a word that describes exactly what i feel; admiration? love? i don't know. and to be honest, i'm scared to know. if everything does work out and we end up... dating, i want to be better for him. it's odd to say that. it feels weird saying something so... i don't know. he makes me feel so many things i can't describe. it makes my head fuzzy. i've only told one other person about this and they told me to just find out more and get closer to him. but the thing is, i'm too scared to. in too scared of confrontation and face-to-face serious conversations related to this. he might want to not talk to me anymore. help.

• July 21, 2023