I resent my dad for marrying my stepmom and I resent myself for telling him it was ok. My mother died when I was 10 and my dad started dating my now stepmother pretty soon afterwards. She helped pull him out of his depressed mourning mood. I wanted him to be happy so I told him that I was okay with it, even though I was pissed that he would date again so quickly. Until they got married, everything seemed fine. I liked my new stepsisters enough. But then they started being pretty nasty to me. I’ve felt like an outsider in this family for years. I’ve been struggling to keep going for years, and it seems like now one in my family would be there for me, even if they did notice. I know my dad loves me, but he has always put his relationship with his wife over my mental health. I wish it was just the two of us again. I miss the way he was when I was younger. But I can’t forgive him for the damage I’ve had to my mental health and I can’t wait to get away from them all.

My parents split up in August of 2018. I was so mad at him for everything he did to me and my family, including my mom. He chose hard drugs, and to cheat on my mom with her childhood bestfriend. I texted him once in a while, because I was 15 and I wanted to make sure my dad knew I didn’t hate him. Then I cut off contact with him after seeing him again in December and hugging him for the last time. I was never able to see him. In March 2021, (my room was right beside the front door) I took a nap at 6pm and woke up at 8pm, to the front door being opened and my mom talking at the door, my grandma was crying and my siblings were upstairs. I was so confused and my grandma comforted me while crying, I asked her if my dad was dead. She said “yes my girl.. he killed himself..” I was in shock at first and I let out the most blood curdling cry. I regret not talking to him. I believe that it’s my fault he’s dead, because I didn’t talk to him. I have the last message he sent to me, and I read it almost every day. I wish I could have done something to save him. Maybe I could have stopped him.

• August 5, 2023