i regret not spending so much time with my dad bc he died when i was 8 and before he died and he had cancer and i never wanted to stay at the hospital for those hours and i regret not staying with him at the hospital bc i really thought he was going to get better but he didn’t and and i wish sm that i had time with him again but he’s gone and i can’t do anything and i wish i could talk to him but i can’t. i don’t think he would be very proud of the things i’ve done either, i don’t rlly know anymore. and it’s just disappointing bc my memories are fading of him bc it’s been so long.

The only thing keeping me alive are my babies. I have two under two years. The older was planned, the younger was not even with bcp and other protection. Regardless, they are both loved and taken care of. I became a sahm because of covid and the past 6 months have been rough. I do all household upkeeping and feel like a single parent. My husband gets up early for work so I put the babies to sleep every night. I also wake up in the night, take care of feedings and bathe the younger one. My husband bathes and sometimes feeds the older baby, washes bottles, and sometimes washes the dishes. Other than providing monetary wise, that's all he does. I have tried expressing how overwhelmed I am, but he doesn't get it. I'm touched out by the end of the day so I'm not affectionate anymore and we barely are intimate. Those are his issues with me. I've asked him to read about hormonal changes in woman during and after birth, including ppd but he doesn't think it's necessary. I thought about dropping the babies to my sister and ending my life. Juggling two babies is so hard for me idk how other mothers do it. I feel like a failure as a mother because I could not breastfeed either one for more than a month (did not produce enough milk) and I get overwhelmed. How do I do this? How do I get more help when the one person who can won't do it?

• June 13, 2023