I really want to die It’s hard a lot of the times. Especially when people know me as the “happy” kid. I’m really not. The only person who gets me doesn’t get to see me. My own “family. doesn’t even like me besides my dad. My dad is my person, he helps me get through the day. Not being able to see him hurts me knowing there is no hope for me. Under this mask, the mask that makes me look happy, I’m always constantly hurting. Holding back tears in my eyes just so people don’t worry. And my own “family” doesn’t understand They expect to much from me. I’m constantly tired of everything. But when will this end?

My parents split up in August of 2018. I was so mad at him for everything he did to me and my family, including my mom. He chose hard drugs, and to cheat on my mom with her childhood bestfriend. I texted him once in a while, because I was 15 and I wanted to make sure my dad knew I didn’t hate him. Then I cut off contact with him after seeing him again in December and hugging him for the last time. I was never able to see him. In March 2021, (my room was right beside the front door) I took a nap at 6pm and woke up at 8pm, to the front door being opened and my mom talking at the door, my grandma was crying and my siblings were upstairs. I was so confused and my grandma comforted me while crying, I asked her if my dad was dead. She said “yes my girl.. he killed himself..” I was in shock at first and I let out the most blood curdling cry. I regret not talking to him. I believe that it’s my fault he’s dead, because I didn’t talk to him. I have the last message he sent to me, and I read it almost every day. I wish I could have done something to save him. Maybe I could have stopped him.

• August 5, 2023