I never told anyone this, not even my therapist and it's been eating me alive for as long as I can remember. Most people hate the feeling of being alone or even lonely. But why do I love the feeling? I always felt like some sort of abnormal, like not human because of the fact I love feeling alone and loneliness. With that love, comes the comfort of suicidal thoughts I had since I was 12. Like how I love to feel alone and lonely, I find immense comfort in those thoughts. It's gone so much to the point where feeling happy truly upsets me.....and I feel embarrassed to admit.

i’m tired. i used to be a straight A student all through middle school. i was a good kid. never argued, had lots of friends, was likable, nice, i loved my life. i’m now a freshman in high school, so i’m not that old. i’m scared to eat, i can’t trust anyone, i’m failing 4 classes, i don’t come out of my room, just lost my best friend, my ex who i still love despises every inch of me. it’s taking a toll on my mental health and i’m just tired of being here. tired of pretending i’m happy just so other people don’t worry about me. i don’t know what to do, how to react. my anxiety is over the roof, to where i can’t even get out of bed. i got diagnosed with being bipolar, which is hard. i just don’t know what to do. i’m trying but i’m so tired. i’m running out of options.

• August 2, 2023