I know this is short but I wish I could end it all I'm truly tired of feeling how I feel no matter what I do nothing makes me happy anymore I can't stop thinking about what's going to happen once I move out will I even make it on my own or will I end up like my uncle and die alone in a ditch some where I hope I can keep these feelings of fear and anxiety down I don't want anyone to know I'm struggling I want them to think I'm always happy and carefree

One day I hope I can die, two years ago I had a really bad trip and saw myself die, I witnessed death, judgement, my funeral and my grandmother crying, I saw a gavel slam down and knew that this was it. My last thoughts were oh god I’ll never get to be anyone I want. I’ll never get to live to grow to become me. I was arrested later that night, Now I’m here two years later still trying to rebuild my mind. I found God I found myself, but it cost me my sanity. Ever since then I’ve cut I’ve tried to build the courage up to end it but I can’t bring myself to do it. I believe I’m in hell and that god has abandoned me. If anyone is out there please pray for me.

• July 19, 2023