I have tried to off myself and i havent told anyone but things have been better

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What are your deepest secrets that you would like to share before you d.i.e?

I have tried to off myself and i havent told anyone but things have been better

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when i was like 4 years old my brother was 7. one day he took me to the back bedroom of our house while my mom was asleep and my dad was at work. he raped me and i didn't know it was bad at the time bc i was 4. he continued to do this everyday for months and then my mom walked in and saw him. she blamed both of us even tho i was 4. she spanked both of us but never told my dad. my brother continued to do it until is was 10 and he was 13, he got my cousin to do it to me too. while we were at one of my family members house one day he told them and she forced me to give him oral sex. it hasn't happened since i was 10 i'm now 13. i now suffer with SH and have an ED. only my boyfriend and bestfriend know.

June 23, 2023

At my Christian academy. My friend was taken into the office and on the way there one of my male friends pushed me into the bathroom. Told me if I wanted to leave to give him head. I did and he tried to have sex with me before I ran out. Not long after, I was kept locked in a bathroom with him and another male friend, while my other friend was outside keeping the door locked and kept pushing me in. They pulled down my pants and I was forced onto my knees to give him head again. They told me not to tell anyone. I never did. It bothered me so much though and it fucked with how I looked at guys. Flinching, the bad nightmares. Just recently I told my parents and they asked why I never said anything about it. I was 14-15. I was scared. It traumatized me. I’m scared, I’m paranoid. Doesn’t help that my real dad is a child predator. Constantly threatening me. Telling me I can’t call my step dad dad or he will hit me. Forcing me into exposing clothes telling me he paid for it so I have to. I’m still a child in his eyes. I’m 19 btw. He touched me inappropriately and wants me sleeping in the same bed as him. He’s coming up to visit me and wants me to stay in a hotel with him and his friend. I’m scared. I’m in a relationship and I’m just trying to make it work. What do I do with all this trauma? How do I keep it from ruining my relationship? I love this man. It sucks that the first man to break my heart and trust was my dad. Now I just need advice on how to heal.

June 13, 2023

I am afraid that I will be the monster my own mother is. That all of my hard work is for nothing. She has schizoaffective disorder and is a shell of her old self. Stopped taking meds years ago. The woman who raised me, inspired me, and broke me is not there anymore. I love her, but she beat me, mocked me, used me, and took everything from me. She’s violent, cruel, and often goes on ramblings that don’t even make sense. I was diagnosed with CPTSD and a few other interesting acronyms. I am being asked to have an evaluation done again. I am afraid that with the symptoms I am experiencing, I may be schizophrenic. And I don’t know if I can live with this disease. I see, hear, and feel things that aren’t there. I can’t sleep at night. Sometimes these things are so vivid, I don’t even realize that it isn’t real until long after I interacted with it. I used to be able to tell, but seeing this happen less and less scares me. The thought of sharing the same fate as her sickens me. The thought that the same disease that took her once brilliant mind away may already be in my own skull bothers me. She hurt everyone around her who loves her. My deepest and darkest fear is to be the father who failed to leave that behind. That my own children will come to hate me for what I have done. I have been reassured that there are many who have this diagnosis live a meaningful life. But I don’t know if I can choose to willingly go on. I don’t want to put my wife through what my dad did being married to my mother and our children through what I did. It’s this fear that is stopping me from getting checked and medicated as I need to be.

June 11, 2023

My friend died 2/4/22 I still don’t really believe that he’s dead because it feels like just yesterday I was talking to me him and bothering him in class , I feel like everyone around me just expects me to be okay and act like nothing happened because there okay but I don’t know how to feel some days I’m okay other days I’m sad and then there’s those days that I’m angry at everyone because his mother decided to take him off of life support, and i hate everyone because they can continue with there lives the way they want to because most of them didn’t know him and the ones that did at end okay now they feel better but why do I have to be the only one that’s still in pain why do I have to see his face every time I go to sleep, But I really just wanna know if he was in any pain if he needed or wanted me there by his side before he went and I wasn’t there if he’s okay now. If all the pain and sadness he experienced before I said gone now because I feel like I can’t breathe I don’t really feel anything anymore I’m numb It doesn’t even feel like I’m in control of my body anymore it’s like someone else is controlling it and I’m just there but overall I just wanna know if he needed and if he hates me because I hate myself everyday because of the fact that he like doing me and he wanted to be with me and told him no I should’ve just said yes because idk maybe it would even worked maybe by some chance he would still Be here and all my pain would be gone I would finally feel something again and I don’t know how much longer I can take this I don’t wanna be here anymore and if dying takes the pain away I’m going to because this is too much.

April 22, 2023

Two of my good friends, one guy and one girl, were both repeatedly raped as children by the pastors of their churches. Same state, different churches. The girl's pastor was her father. No one else knows. A former co-worker I'd known for about half an hour told me about an inoperable tumor on her spine that keeps her in constant pain so she's always doped up on pain meds. It also causes incontinence, so she wets the bed almost every night. I was born with one of those faces that says, "please, tell me something incredibly personal I have no idea how to appropriately respond to." It's an uncomfortable honor.

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About 3 years ago I was at soccer and I wasn’t aloud to have Snapchat yet. It was raining during practice so we went to our cars to wait for the delay and my dad went out to talk to my coach. I went on his phone and went to Snapchat bc I would always play with the filters and I see a snap from a lady named Tiffany. I know all of his close work friends. Neve heard of this lady. I clicked on her and there’s a chat that goes all the way back to 2018 with their bitmojis hugging and a heart. There is no contact name for a Tiffany in his phone. She is his 1 on his bsf list to this day. I asked him he said she’s from work but I’ve never really let go of that even though it seems like nothing it really bothers me

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