I have severe mental issues. Bipolar disorder, servers social anxiety, autism. I am physically disabled as well. And I feel like all of this is karma. I lied to all my friends about serious shit like trying cocaine and my sister dragging me to parties. I lied to fit in because I felt like they didn’t like me. I could feel the group leaving me behind. I tried to seem like I was one of them, I already was. And in this attempt to make them like me and relate more I caused them to scream at me at a party. I was the only sober one and one of the girls had alcohol poisoning and almost choked. I was two hours away from home, they took my phone, and were threatening to fight me. I’m friends with two of them now, but I’m traumatized. I don’t feel like I can ever feel right with them again. I’m scared of being put in the same situation, I’m scared of repeating the same mistake if I spiral again. They’re understanding and well mentally, as am I. But I can’t help but feel like this is my fault and my karma is having all these mental and physical issues. I feel like even god abandoned me and I’m nothing. And it’s driving me closer and closer to a breaking point. I’m not the victim. But I feel like I wanted to be a victim for so long that I accidentally forced myself to become one.