I hate my family. I hate my brother for being so insensitive and rude to me. I hate how he would do anything for me and never tell me that he loves me. I hate how he never apologizes to me, why is he allowed to be mad and I’m not? Why is it my fault when something bad happens? I hate how insecure he makes me feel. I hate my mom. I hate how she’d shame me for eating and not. I hate to realize that I can never trust her. I hate how she took everything from me. I hate how controlling she was. I hate how impossibly high her expectations were. I hate how she controls my dad. I hate how she would leave me and come back the next day like nothing happened. I hate how I would come home and have to see her face again. I hate how she never raised me. I hate how I believed that she would change but every time she’d let me down. I wish that I never told her how much I loved her when I was younger. I hate my dad. I hate how naive he is. I hate that he never confronts his problems. I hate how he always sides with my mom. I hate that I can’t trust him because of that. I wish he would divorce her already. I wish I was more heartless and less naive back then, maybe I wouldn’t have sided with my mom, maybe me and my brother could have had the childhood we dreamt of, maybe I wouldn’t need to fix this family on my own.

I been thinking real hard about even relaying these awful things about the person that I have admired the most, the person I have respected and revered my whole life but that now, has completely backstabbed me in the worst way possible. A few years ago, a scandal broke in my political family involving my mother. As you can imagine, it nearly broke my marriage and tore my husband’s family apart. My sister in law found my father in law and my mom talking on social media. The worst part of it, when I was confronted, I was accused of knowing about the whole affair and made it looked like I was an accomplice to the whole ordeal. When I had absolutely no clue to such a disgusting mess. I don’t know what neither of them were trying to accomplish and now, I’m the black sheep of the family. No one talks to me. While my father in law is still loved and honored. My mother the home wrecker and I pay the sins of her ordeals. She never once has said I’m sorry. Never! In her head, I’m better off without that side of the family. But it’s not about that; why did she do this to me? Why my father in law? Among so many men? Why him! I guess I’m just looking for an explanation and I know I will never get it from her. Because she just cannot accept she did anything wrong. I wish I could get her version because as of now, I only know everyone else’s but her’s. I always thought I didn’t need to hear her side because it’s not my place to question her, but I have kids who now have to suffer for her sins as well. I don’t think it’s fair to them either. I guess the damage is done as well and the past is the past. I won’t get nothing accomplished but I just want an acknowledgment from her part that she messed up.

• August 12, 2023