I hate life. Genuinely. I don’t enjoy being here, I don’t have any passions or big life plans. I’m 24, I’m supposed to have it mostly figured out and I absolutely don’t. If I didn’t have such a close bond with my mom and siblings I would not be here. People have heard me say that ‘jokingly,’ but it’s no joke. I don’t have good enough friends to really influence the decision like my family does, and I know anyone else marginally involved in my life would be okay after a good 2-3 months. The thought of going another 5, or god forbid, 20 more years doing this over and over again is crushing. When my mom grows old and passes, I know I’ll be right behind her. I can’t not. I just don’t understand how people look at this world, and it’s state, and how we treat each other, our flora and fauna, everything…and feel any kind of optimism or excitement in living. I don’t get it and I don’t think I ever have.

when i was younger (like 7-12) my dad used to hit my sisters and my mom divorced him. he rarely did it to me but he would emotionally abuse me a lot. like being manipulative and narcissistic. i’ve been to a therapist ordered by the court about it but no one ever takes me seriously because “he never really hit me” it still impacts me a lot and i try not to think about it but when i do it really messes me up. recently my moms boyfriend had asked us to move in with him and my mom said yes. my dad used to move around a lot and so the town that we’re moving to he has lived in. it’s giving me severe ptsd and anxiety and i can’t control it but my mom is telling me to get over it because hes different. well she’s had boyfriends before and they weren’t different. i can’t help feeling guilty like i’m stopping them from being happy but i’m very unsure about it. her boyfriend hasn’t given me a reason to doubt him and he’s really good to me and my younger siblings but i still worth it won’t work out.

• August 4, 2023