I had never known my Dad as he left my Mum and I before I was born, and growing up I never questioned why he wasn’t around because I knew it was hard for my Mum to talk about. One of my Mum’s friends would invite us around for a barbecue nearly every weekend, and it was nice as she had a family of her own (three kids, husband). I became good friends with the kids and the husband eventually became like a father figure to me since we were at their house so often. One day my Mum and the friend went out of town, so I was left with the kids and the husband for the day. The kids were put to bed later that day, and the husbands mood immediately changed - he became aggressive. I was 7 or 8 at the time, and you can guess what happened next. I have never trusted men since. I went to therapy years later at my school and they diagnosed me with anxiety. I suffer/ed in silence as I know my Mum would never believe me. I still cry myself to sleep some nights.

My parents split up in August of 2018. I was so mad at him for everything he did to me and my family, including my mom. He chose hard drugs, and to cheat on my mom with her childhood bestfriend. I texted him once in a while, because I was 15 and I wanted to make sure my dad knew I didn’t hate him. Then I cut off contact with him after seeing him again in December and hugging him for the last time. I was never able to see him. In March 2021, (my room was right beside the front door) I took a nap at 6pm and woke up at 8pm, to the front door being opened and my mom talking at the door, my grandma was crying and my siblings were upstairs. I was so confused and my grandma comforted me while crying, I asked her if my dad was dead. She said “yes my girl.. he killed himself..” I was in shock at first and I let out the most blood curdling cry. I regret not talking to him. I believe that it’s my fault he’s dead, because I didn’t talk to him. I have the last message he sent to me, and I read it almost every day. I wish I could have done something to save him. Maybe I could have stopped him.

• August 5, 2023