I grew up as the oldest, and tried to bear the suffering and misfortunes of my family. I was everyone’s punching bag, I never took a stand for myself. I’ve never had self confidence, never really had friends, never been in love. I’ve never truly lived, I’m 22, a drop out, a failure. Even now within the face of my own mortality I’m still half of what it means to be a man. I spend the rest of what I have left alone, I try to act like I’m alright though I push everyone and anyone away. I failed to find any true meaning in my life, and I’m going to die regretting a life that was never lived. Left bearing a fate that cannot be changed with a will to live from a man who’s had nothing to live for…God help me.

I regret having a friends with benefits with a guy I loved since middle school. We lost touch during high school but befriended each other a year after graduation. I had a crush on him for years and was finally able to tell him. I’m an extremely shy person and put up walls to keep people out. But I didn’t want to do that with him, I wanted to confess how I felt. We texted for days then he asked if I wanted to be friends with benefits with him. I told him I wanted to be in a relationship. He said he wasn’t ready for that. I didn’t want to push him into one if he wasn’t ready. So I agreed to be fuck buddies as he put it. Big mistake, I started falling hard for him. He didn’t feel the same way. The sex was great but he wouldn’t text me back for Moo these on end. When he did it was only to get laid. But some other times he would treat me like a girlfriend. Get showered with gifts, go out to eat, cuddle… Slowly I was breaking because he told me over and over that he didn’t want a relationship with me. I regret wasting my time with him. But then I meet a new guy and dropped my friends with benefits. The new guy became my boyfriend and we have been dating for over six months now. I have never been happier with my boyfriend.

• May 5, 2023